34 Years Old

Ok. That’s not so old, but it is old enough that you figure out a few things, and it’s old enough that you know a few truths, and that can make you feel old some times. The truth is just awful.

34, and I think I’m starting to finally figure out a good bit of my life, my pursuits anyway, how the next few years are going to go, I’ve got a realistic picture in my head of what I need to do, of what I want to accomplish. I feel like I’m there. I feel like by the time I hit 35, I’m going to undeniably be on my way to accomplishing all 3 parts of my plan. I think that’s why I was so pissed off about the article, it was a very small but important step towards one of those parts.

The good news there, is that the article will be published it turns out. The better new is that I was asked to do another, though unfortunately, I can’t do it.

Not the point, the point is I have a plan again. I haven’t had one in a while. I liked and I like having a vision of the future. This has nothing to do with anything but I do not see a lot of vision in South Florida.

And the point is I want anyone who cares to know, I know what I’m doing. I’m making all the right moves, all the right moves. Still. Still.

I feel…haunted by the future sometimes. There are other things that I’m just not sure I’m going to get right, and I’m worried that it will be too late one day. I’m afraid that people are going to die. I’m afraid that I’m not smart enough, or brave enough to do what needs to be done. I’m afraid that old dogs have a very hard time learning new tricks. I’m afraid that I’m going to be consumed by these fears, and to some extent, I feel I have been.

I’m afraid of hate, hating me, hating you. I’m afraid that that last sentence is a bit poetical, more poetical than I want to be. I’m afraid that I don’t have the patience that I want to have. I’m afraid that I’m not the same person I used to be, and that some of what I have left behind, I would have been better off bringing with me.

I’m afraid that I can be so honest in a vague way, in a public forum, but that I can’t be this honest with any one human being, at least about myself. I can be as honest as all get out about what I think of you.

It’s a problem.

It’s not one I’m going to solve tonight, so I’m going to close it down now. Good night.