My Life With The Thrill Kill Baby

I used to be really glad that I had done drugs and back in the day I did them all. It was an interesting phase I guess, one that pretty much started and ended when college did. I've had my bits and pieces after that, but they were few and far between. The fact of the matter is I just don't enjoy it that much anymore. I get ridiculously stoned off a couple of hits of pot and I can't imagine what something stronger would do to me. I just don't want to get that fcked up. Still, I've always been glad I did drugs.

I figure having done drugs, I can talk about them at least fairly honestly. I had a lot of good times when I was fucked up, and I had some not so good times. Like most people I said some very clever shit when I was high, and I made some pretty poor choices. So, for a long time I felt that if someone asked me, I could at least be helpful without being hypochritical, and now I'm not so sure about that.

I never was addicted to any illegal drug and for that matter the chances of my becoming an alcoholic are pretty low as I don't like the drink that much (and if you're rolling your eyes in disbelief, the key word is "the", I like drinking, I just don't really love the taste and never have). The ony thing that ever sunk it's teeth into me is nicotine (and apparantly cookies), and I wonder if that something I'll always want.

I've been trying to quit smoking for a long time now, nearly a decade. It's been a long time since I've been a pack a day type smoker, but I've always come back to the habit, though I've been able to keep it at bay for the most part. Most days the last few years I either didn't smoke or only had a half a dozen, which is not a big habit. Still, the point is I couldn't quite give it up, and even when I did (one time for 8 months) I would come back to it. If you're interested, I haven't had one in over two months, but that's not really the point.

Over the years as I tried to quit and failed I started develop some seriously conflicting feelings about it. There's a part of me that would love a cigarette right now, and it's a powerful part, but it's in conflict with every other part of me. That one part seems like it's sabotoging me somehow, it's a bit self destructive. Sadly, it's not so uncommon to want to hurt yourself a little bit.

I realized that last part while Comic Book Guy (the stroke victim) was in the process of killing himself. and I saw how drugs can be wielded as weapons against ourselves. I fully believe that if Comic Book Guy had stopped smoking and drinking coffee, and eating like shit, he would still be ok today. I'd seen people, myself included, do some stupid things because of drugs and addiction, but I had never seen anyone kill themselves with their habits.

I have a close friend who I really worry about too, he's made some bad choices. I won't get into that here. I know people who have lost people to drugs. I wish I didn't

At some point, I thought maybe the reason I kept on coming back to smoking was it was one of the few remaining ways I was able to hurt myself. I'm not really sure if I completely believe that, and I'm not well schooled enough in psychology to self diagnose to that degree. What I do know is it's led me to look at drugs and addiction differently, less cavalierly.

Once upon a time I would have told you that there was no good reason not to try drugs. I don't think I would have sex until I was 25 if I didn't cultivate the image I did, and partying was part of that. I still think there is a particular type of cool I look with a cigarette, though if I see someone else with one, I think they look really stupid.

Once upon a time, I would have told you to be careful. I would have told you that you can have all sorts of good times, but that you could make a lot of mistakes. I would have told you to do what you wanted but respect what you were doing.

Now. Now I see a slippery slope. I see what happens when bad things happen to good people and how drugs and addiction can factor into that. I've seen where unresolved self esteem issues lead to. I've seen too many bad things, and I feel like I've barely seen any at all. I'm really not sure what I would say to someone. I guess this.

I'm not sure how I feel about doing drugs.